Secrets of My Nomadic Heart

Almost when we realize we need change, we will come to a crossroad of decisions to make. This will be the moment of truth - the test of our will.

Be it leaving the job that we no longer grow in, saying goodbye to a dying relationship that we have invested our time and love in, or breaking away from a habit that destroys us etc., the decision to make change is never easy. Change is painful. But when we are able to recognize that we need change, we are already halfway there. Now is the moment to take the plunge.

I remember several distinct points in my life when I had to take plunges into the unknown. One was deciding to walk the Camino. When I found out about the Camino, I was both excited and fearful. I wanted to do it, but at the same time was so afraid. I had no idea if I was capable of this feat that drew me so intensely. I remember lying in my bed agonizing over the number of days I would walk. Could I do 3 days of 100km? 300km? I even called a friend who had cycled from London to Paris to ask him if he thought I could do it. It was rather foolish of me, thinking back, to ask another. But I needed some assurance to tell me I could do it. I wanted to. When I finally decided to walk 600km for a month, nothing could stop me.

At the critical point of a crossroad, we could either move away from who we are, or towards our center. For those of us who have been so used to making decisions guided by external influences, this inner compass is hard to find. We would find ourself struggling between our heart and our mind, between hope and fear. Take right, or take left?

While we may seek friends' words for guidance, their words will only be meaningful when they help us to grow in courage, faith and walk towards becoming who we truly are. More often than not, we only want them to say what we want to hear. Only us can decide which will win: hope or fear, heart or mind, true self or false self. I think the right choice, as a friend reminded me, is the one that helps us sleep in peace at night, that energizes us towards living our life more fully.

I hold this quote, from one of my favorite books, Follow Your Heart by Susan Tamaro, dear to my heart:

"Everytime you feel lost, confused, think about trees, remember how they grow. Remember that a tree with lots of branches and few roots will get toppled by the first gust of wind, while the sap hardly moves in a tree with many roots and few branches. Roots and branches must grow in equal measure, you have to stand both inside of things and above them, because then will you be able to offer shade and shelter, only then will you be able to cover yourself with leaves and fruits at the proper season.

And later on, when so many roads open up before you, you don't know which to take, don't pick one at random; sit down and wait. Breathe deeply, trustingly, the way you breathed when you came into the world, don't let anything distract you, wait and wait some more. Stay still, be quiet, and listen to your heart. Then, when it speaks, get up and go where it takes you."

I believe that in any change we want to make, it always starts with some form of unhappiness. Some may view unhappiness as a curse, but on hindsight I'd like to see it as a big sign. It is because of this unhappiness that we feel that we are starting to think of making the change.

The unhappiness may come in the form of a job we are starting to hate, a relationship that no longer makes us happy, an unhealthy habit that keeps us chained etc, or a multitude of things combined altogether. Sometimes we are so unhappy that we don't really know why we are unhappy. Everything seems so misaligned that we don't know where to start.

We may start to blame people around us or the situation for our unhappiness. That, I mean it, is our problem.

Or, we don't really want to admit that we are unhappy. Because knowing it would mean that we have to start resolving it. Resolving the problem would mean change. And we are not quite prepared for change right now. I think that's fair too, because sometimes we have not come a full circle of that unhappiness to make us sit up and say "that's enough already!"

If we find ourselves near the point of desperation, feeling like happiness has left us for good, and that we are terrified to death of change, but desperately needs it to continue living....then, God bless us...all we need is courage and grace. I mean to say, change is coming. Your first yellow arrow is here.

With the new year, come new thoughts. It's rather amazing how our thoughts, even though at times unconscious, could motivate our actions and translate into reality.

I wanted to stop writing my blog towards late last year. It became necessary to reflect what I wanted to write about. The subject has to be true to me, and meaningful to others. Hence I decided to take a break, and be silent for a while.

It became more evident to me that I should write about change - personal change, the path to change. As we try hard to live life the best we can - I mean that by being true to ourselves, embracing life's fullest and simplest moments and facing with courage anything that comes our way - we find that the road is sometimes long and trying, taking us around detours instead of straight to destination. My hope is to write about that journey. These entries will later serve as a reminder to myself, when the road becomes long and trying again.

I read somewhere that the path to change isn't a straight line, but seems like a circle. It isn't really a circle either, because we grow and never really come back to the same point. So the path is really like a spiral...Change is painful, and so is growth - like the caterpillar that struggles to transform. The beauty of the butterfly awaits those who do not fear change and growth.

As we go through phases of struggle and change, we might feel completely alone - or want to be left alone. I hope these words will bring some comfort that we are not really alone, and don't have to be.

Buen Camino,
denise